A Desperate Bargain
by R4v3n Kn1ght
Summary: Arthur Weasley was going mad. Thinking he has no other choice, he feels that desperate times call for desperate measures. He then contacts the one person that even he would least expect. Humor!


**Author's Note:** _This is Weasley bashing – but all in good fun. This came about from a discussion with Artemis Arcturus about how in the films Ron seems to shove himself between Harry and whatever girl he's sitting next to! So, this came from that discussion. Both of us alternated on coming up with each character's dialogue. Poor Arthur Weasley. Poor Lucius Malfoy. Enjoy! _

**A Desperate Bargain**

Arthur Weasley was going mad. His family was falling to pieces. His eldest son worked with goblins! The one after that risked getting eaten by dragons everyday in Romania! The next son now worked in the Ministry – of all places! The place that was making his life miserable! The twins quit school to open a joke shop! A joke shop! And then came the two youngest ones. And they had the same thing in common…Though it took Arthur a very long time to realize it. Ron and Ginny were both in love with Harry Potter.

He couldn't share this insanity with Molly, his wife. She adored her crazy children. Arthur almost thought she was under the same condition as Ron and Ginny. He didn't dare vent this on any of the students from Hogwarts, so Hermione Granger's sympathetic ear was right out. He couldn't talk to Nymphadora Tonks, because she would go right to Remus Lupin! He couldn't go to Severus Snape…because…well…He didn't trust Snape all that much.

Suddenly, Arthur Weasley had an idea! Such a desperate idea, that it just might work.

~X~X~X~X~X~

He was incredibly uncomfortable in this Muggle pub. He sat in a dark, quiet corner. Why he had even agreed to this he would not know. He must be truly losing his mind to have agreed to this. Setting foot in a Muggle establishment…at least it served brandy.

He sipped the liquid carefully, gazing out over the disgusting muggles in the pub as though waiting to be attacked, "no magic in the presence of muggles" rule notwithstanding. Then, he saw it, the unmistakable face of a man he definitely did not like – the man whose invitation to this pub he had accepted.

"Lucius!" the other man greeted as he sat down across from him in the dark corner.

"Weasley," the blonde drawled. He slid the second brandy across the table towards the other man. "I must admit, I have no idea what I'm doing here! All I know is that I simply could not resist seeing you in a state of absolute turmoil." Arthur looked at the brandy glass and swirled the liquid around, smelling it to try to detect a hint of poison. Lucius bristled. "I didn't poison it, you imbecile! If I wanted to, I would certainly not use brandy. It's too wonderful to waste a whole glass of it on poison."

Arthur frowned at Lucius and then took a sip as though accepting a dare from the other man. When he realized that Lucius spoke truthfully, he swallowed and then he began to speak. "You think Harry Potter has screwed up _your_ family, Malfoy? My son's in love with him!"

Lucius hid his wide-eyed expression at the topic by staring into his brandy. He quietly mumbled, "Yes, well, _my _son couldn't even manage to kill the snot!"

"Sometimes I think my life would be back to normal if Harry Potter wasn't in it. Dumbledore too. He seems to control everything my family does."

This time, Lucius could not hold himself back from looking at Arthur in surprise. It took a moment before Lucius felt a smile curl across his face. "You know, Weasley, I think I just might be starting to tolerate you."

Arthur was silent for a moment before he nodded at the blonde wizard. "Likewise, Lucius. Once you get past your oily-haired kid's attitude, a guy like me can't help but feel bad for what your wife puts you through."

Lucius was angry not at the slight against his son, but at the evidence that this man knew his situation at home! Potter must have told them! This meant retaliation. "I consider myself lucky compared to you, Weasley. At least my wife is goodlooking."  
Arthur met Lucius's gaze firmly. "At least mine can cook!"

There was a moment where they stared each other down. Neither was willing to throw more insults at each other for the moment as they both were aware of the delicacy of their muggle environment. Finally, Lucius broke the silence and stillness. "Touché, Weasley."

They both took a sip of their brandy.

"Let me understand this, Weasley."

"Yes, Lucius?"

"If we combined my wife's looks with your wife's cooking skills…"

Arthur looked up, and his face brightened in understanding. They both finished the sentence started by Lucius. "We'd have the perfect wife!"

Lucius could not resist throwing in a final insult. "Minus your wife's attitude, of course."

"And your wife's dementia," Arthur nodded. They both could not argue the points that either of them brought up about the faults of each other's wives. "So, what do you think we should do about our Dumbledore problem?"

Lucius slammed the brandy glass down on the table. "I've tried _everything_, Weasley! Not even my son's deathly get-well cookies, courtesy of Narcissa of course, could kill the bumbleass!" Lucius huffed in dismay. "Draco, Death Eaters, and death itself cannot stop him!"

"I hired that girl to Amortenia my Ron to fall in love with her and not Harry."

Lucius sneered at Arthur. "Didn't work did it?"

Arthur moaned, "No."

Lucius clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth. "I don't know what to tell you, Weasley. If Amortenia doesn't work…"

"Thank you, Lucius. You are not very helpful here."

"Yes, well, no offense, Weasley, but your Ron is not the straightest wand in the shop, you know. On more than one occasion, Draco's told me he had to hex your son just to get him to back off."

There was again silence between the two men as they nursed their brandies. Then, Arthur spoke. "Alright, Lucius…We have two problems. Ron and Dumbledore."

Lucius looked around the pub for other people recognizably from their world. Just to be safe, he leaned across the table. "Listen, Weasley," he whispered. "Why don't we ask Snape to do it?"

Arthur looked uneasy. "I don't know, he somewhat hates my family." He began to take a long sip.

"That's because he thinks you all worship Potter!" Lucius angrily swigged his brandy.

Arthur promptly spit his drink back into the glass. "Worship Potter! Worship Pot—are you all raving mad? Not only has that boy stolen my son from me, but for whatever she's worth, I am fairly certain my wife is trying to have an affair with him." He groaned as his mind thought of past events and past failures. "Lucius, I've tried everything! I even paid Slughorn what little money I had to poison Ron! But, do you know what happened? Harry Potter saved him! By remembering something that Snape – _Snape!_ – taught him in First Year!" He guzzled down a hefty mouthful of brandy. Before he'd even fully swallowed he continued. "To top it all off, my daughter thinks they're in love! The Weasleys give a new meaning to that one muggle term…Pothead!"

"Unfortunate for you, Weasley." Lucius took a contemplative sip of his brandy. He let it sit in his mouth for a moment as he thought. "Have you ever tried sending a tart after Ron?"

"Yes, a girl named Lavender Brown."

"Damn! Even that didn't work? A desperate-for-attention girl throwing herself at him?"

Arthur looked dreadful. "No, Lucius. And unfortunately it seems as though Ron and Ginny are determined to drag that poor Granger girl into their twisted love affairs! I saw that boy, McLaggen you know, at Fred and George's shop. The sick kid was actually interested in my Ginny! Well, I have nothing against the boy, and I figured I'd need someone, you know, a bit daft to go along with me, so I subtly suggested him via Imperius to pursue Ms. Granger. I thought all my plans were going well when Granger asked him to the Slug Club party, until the boy puked on Snape's shoes and scored himself detention forever!"

Lucius raised his eyebrows at Arthur. "Imperius, Weasley?" Then, he smiled almost pleased. "I didn't know you had it in you." He took another sip of his brandy.

Arthur looked up at Lucius with a devastated expression. "Desperate times, Lucius…Desperate times."

"Desperate times, indeed, Weasley." Lucius then had a thought. "Speaking of desperation, do you know how _difficult_ it is to replace a good house elf?"

"Having never had one, Lucius, no."

"Alright, Weasley, I'll make you a deal." Lucius slid himself closer to Arthur. "I help you with this problem with your son and…you know…getting Potter out of your life and whatever, as long as you get your wife to cater our meals until we get Dobby replaced. I'll even pay for the food! She just needs to make it. She can design the menus for all I care! Anything is better than Narcissa's cooking! Anyway, your family cooks for me, and my family gets rid of Potter, and we all go about our normal, happy…happier lives!"

Arthur stared at Lucius through narrowed eyes, seriously contemplating the other man's proposal. It was a very long time before he responded by raising his brandy glass. "Deal."

"Deal," Lucius agreed, lightly clinking his glass against Arthur's.

Then, they both sealed their agreement by finishing off the brandy in their glasses at the same time.

_Please do not be offended by the Weasley bashing! All meant as humor and all in good fun. Thank you for reading and if you happen to be a fan of the Weasleys, keep your flames to yourself. Thank you. _


End file.
